Ilang beses nga ba pwedeng magpatawad?

PAGPAPATWAD- yan ang isang bagay sa buhay ko na ilang beses ko na ata ginawa. hindi lang sa isang tao na mahalaga sakin kundi pati narin sa karamihan na mahal ko at tingin ko naman eh mahal ako. pero sabi nga ni Lord sa Bible, ang pagpapatawad daw dapat unlimited, although binigyan Nya ito ng numerical value, pag kinuha mo yong product eh parang ganon din, napakalaking number na parang wagas na forgiveness din yong kalalabasan. kaso sa panahon ngayon, kahit ilang beses natin sabihin sa sarili natin na yong sasabihin ng ibang tao eh won't matter, hindi ba't maapektuhan tayo kapag nagsimula na umarangkada yong mga gossip monger ng lipunan na kung san tayo nabibilang? at aminin man natin o hindi, alam na alam ko na masasaktan tayo pag sinabe nilang, "ANO BA YAN, ANG TANGA NYA EH NOH?" Lulunukin nalang ba natin yong pride na meron tayo para lang maging masaya kung sa kabila nang lahat alam na alam natin sa sarili natin na magiging superficial lang yong happiness pag hindi mo pinatawad yong isang tao dahil na rin sa mas malaking percent na inisip natin yong mga prejudices ng tao.

Mahirap mag decide. Mahirap magpadalos- dalos. Sabe nga, think twice or even thrice bago ka tuluyang magbitaw ng final verdict, para bang, it's now or never, it's do or die. Eh bakit minsan lalo na sa love eh nasaktan na tayo't lahat, niloko, pinag mukang tanga at pinagpalit agad eh atat tayong patawarin ang isang tao oras na bumalik ito? Kung meron lang rewind na makikita mo talaga, mararamdaman mo yong sakit ulit nung una kang may nabasa sa facebook tungkol sa bago nyang lovelife, yong pakiramdam na ang hirap huminga, nanlamig ka pero sa kabila ng lahat ng sakit na nararamdaman mo, patuloy mo pading tinitignan yong facebook nya (masokista eh?) tapos sa mga susunod na araw twing mag oopen ka ng facebook, andon na yong slight trauma na baka may makita ka na naman. kung pwede mo lang balikan yong araw na may nagtext sayo, "oy kayo pa ba?" tapos alam na alam mo na may ibabalita sila na hindi maganda (mga tao naman, piliin nyo yong ibabalita nyo, kung may na discover kayo, kung may nakita kayo, keep it to yourself, cause you don't know how hard it is to receive news like that), mas malala pa eh yong harap harapan may magkukuwento sayo na "ay, nakita ko si ____, may kasamang iba tapos holding hands pa) at ikaw naman engot na, "oo, wala na kami, haha. buwisit sha eh! pero sa loob- loob mo lang gustong gusto mo ng umiyak. yong wala kang gana gumawa ng kahit ano kase pilit mong i rarattle yong utak mo san ka nagkamali, san ka nagkulang. human nature natin na mag point ng finger sa isang tao para i- blame pero wag natin sagarin ang katangahan, kahit anong sabihin nya na nagkulang ka sa ganitong aspeto blah, blah, hindi ba't mas madaling isipin na.. KUNG MAHAL KA TALAGA NYA, WALANG MANGYAYARENG LOKOHAN. Ano pa sasabhin nya, "weak kase ako...sorry!" haha. nakakatawa. alam naman pala sa sarili na weak eh, bakit kailangan isabuhay. sobrang patawa. O hindi ba pag naramdaman mo ulit yang mga ganyang pakiramdam eh magdadalawang isip ka na tanggapin ulit ang isang tao kahit mahal na mahal mo?

Ang sakin lang, wag magmadali, wag magpadalos- dalos. Tanggapin mo ang isang tao kung kelan totoong handa ka na. Hindi yon basta- basta mangyayare. Pag tinanggap mo ang isang tao at pinatawad sha, andon na yong kahit kelan wala ka ng isusumbat sa kanya, hindi yong pag nag- away kayo ulit eh, hahalungkatin mo lahat ng pwedeng mahalungkat para lang maipagtanggol mo yong sarili mo. Yon ang isang pagkakamali na hindi dapat gawin kase walang lang mangyayare sa relationship nyo. Mahirap magtiwala ulit, alam na alam ko yon, pero kung talagang mahal mo ang isang tao, magagawa mo lahat. pero gaya ng sinabe ko, it really takes time. time to forgive, time to heal. It is really a painful experience when the one you love so much betrays you and simply forgets all the fun times you have together. magdasal ka kay Bro na mabigyan ka ng PRUDENCE-- yan ang kailangan ng isang taong naguguluhan. basta ang sakin lang, wag mo palampasin ang taong mahal mo dahil kahit kung kani- kanino mo ipagsaksakan ang sarili mo (mas good- looking, mas mayaman, mas mabait, mas matalino, mas matino, mas FAITHFUL)kung walan naman nung X- FACTOR na nagbibigay ng magic eh wala lang din.

kaya last words from me: ilang beses nga ba pwedeng magpatawad..

UNLIMITED YON. :)

TAGLISH

Yes! Summer vacation na sa wakas! Goodbye lesson plans, goodbye waking up early, goodbye ingay ng mga bata, goodbye uniforms, goodbye checking of papers, goodbye spreadsheets..FOR A WHILE! Kahit na eksaktong isang buwan lang na pahinga, okay na din kesa wala. Kaso bakit parang may gusto ko na may pasok? Siguro kase, enough free time gives me more moments to think at mag reminisce ng kung ano ano na hindi ko mapigilan. Pero kahapon. Nainis ako sa mga nangyare. I almost cursed that day cause I just proved myself how vulnerable I am still when everything or mostly, things are about him or related to him. So yesterday was the 7th birthday celebration of my nephew and since his birthday lands on Aprl 17 (which is obviously the hit of summer in the Philippines), his parents opt for a swimming party. To make the long introduction short, yearly we hold a swimming party at a resort and for the longest time I can remember, HE was always with us. I do not know if the breakup did a good job taking away from me every ounce of the free-spirited attitude that loves happenings for the whole day yesterday, I just spent it inside the cottage, lying lazily on the bed, either texting with friends, listening to my ipod or playing supermario on my nephew's DS. I knew for sure that my family noticed that I really flipped this year, either way, I just expected them to understand and be more sensitive for nobody until packing time mentioned anything that might really drop the bomb over my head. Up until when everybody was busy hoarding the stuffs when my sister started reminiscing about last summer, I was already feeling a bit uneasy for my mom was around and my braggart sister mentioned his name and started acting like she's crying and brokenhearted. I simply shrugged and said, "nyenye. ang corny mo ate!" but deep inside me, my throat was already aching for the lump heavily forming on my throat. I wanna punch the faces of my sisters yesterday. I always thought that they'll be more sensitive.

ULTIMATE STRESS BUSTERS

Cliche—- “WE LIVE IN A CHAOTIC WORLD”. Alright, I knew that for so long. Out of the many trials and problems i’ve encountered with my life. But there is no point with always being so down and emotional. Wasting time mourning and crying, what the heck?! Every minute used for being sad is every minute LOST FOREVER! As for me, I used to be that person. I dwell with loneliness before and I learned many things: that it shortens life as we live with stress (I even encountered people who got PSORIASIS cause of too much stress hoarding!), stress adds years to my face, stress develops hormonal problems, it causes sleeping disorders, eating disorders, mental disorders, inferiority complexes, insecurity, moodiness.. blah blah, the list just goes on of how stress corrupts a once bubbly person into the exact opposite. I am done with those days when problems used to control me. Now, I control the problem and it feels wonderful how I set things straight with being an optimistic person again.I have some stress busters here on the list, people might find these absurd but it works for me. A LOT! :) Every person is unique, and for me, a stress buster is something so simple that we tend to overlook for larger things. Here we go:

STRESS BUSTER NUMBER 1: MAKE-UP

Yeah that’s right! When I am feeling stressed, I go to my room, clean my face and start doing my face. I experiment with different colors to put as eyeshadows, contours and many more. I feel satisfied after creating a look which make me look like someone else. But that’s definitely not the point of using make-ups. Make-ups should still reflect my personality right?! BUt the slightest tinge of another identity will surely not hurt. So girls, c’mon, start watching tutorials on youtube ( I recommend Michelle Phan(Rice Bunny), BubzBeauty(Girl on TV), Holly Ann Aeree and channels of FromHeadToToe. I also love watching the make-up hauls of an 11 year old american girl from youtube named Taylor, visit her channel: MakeUpYourWorld.

STRESS BUSTER NUMBER 2: WATCHING BARBIE MOVIES

Sounds so kiddo-ish right? But sorry guys, it really works for me. I don’t know why? Maybe there’s a logical explanation with how it works for me. Can you believe I have all the Barbie Movies on m ipod and whenever I feel down I just watch it and I feel a lot lot better! It came to me now as I am doing this and most likely, watching this kind of stuffs reminds in my heart the little girl who doesn’t much have care in the world! A little girl I once used to be whose only problem is when mom doesn’t want to but the new hollywood hair barbie or the tea set in pink and purple. Barbie movies also contains a lot of values FYI. :) Barbie will always be Barbie, the doll every girl adores! :* Try it guys.

STRESS BUSTER NUMBER 3: OUR DAILY BREAD EXPERIENCE

I’ve been reading Our Daily Bread for (1,2, 3.. counts) haha, for 6 years now. And I can’t live without it anymore. This very cheap(when it comes to price) reading material is a miracle. Whenever I have problems and I will read the assigned story for the day, it just seems to answer or relate to my present situation. I shared this with my mom and she also started to read it and found out the same things. She said, “It really is a blessing. It seems to respond to my dilemma”. Go on guys, buy a reading material that will soothe your spiritual soul. Remember, out of this life’s trials, God will always be our ONE AND ONLY SAVIOR.

STRESS BUSTER NUMBER 4: MUSIC. LALALALALA

Who doesn’t love the magic that music brings to a person? When I am some place alone, I put on my earphones and tadda, Im in my own world. So what particular music do I listen to? With all honesty, I listen to every kind of genre BUT during emo-ish moments, what lifts up my soul are those songs from known religious singing groups or soloists. Number one on my list is the BUKAS PALAD SINGERS and my favorites are their English renditions. I also love inspirational songs of Carrie Underwood (Jesus Take The Wheel), Joy Avlon’s “We Are The Reason”, Gary Valenciano’s “Lift Up Your Hands and all of the Hillsongs. Listening to these songs about the love of God for me, makes me shameful of how I expect everything to be in proper perspective at all times. What I am experiencing for example in a particular downer situation will always be NOTHING COMPARED with what Jesus went through. :)

STRESS BUSTER NUMBER 5: BOOKS

My sister used to describe me as a bookworm! Yeap! Yeap! I am. I go to a bookstore and I go nuts when I see a handful of novels from my favorite authors. I am a big fan of Mitch Albom. I really love his stories. It makes my soul enchanted with wonderful life is for people but more often than not, we oversee things. “For One More Day” is definitely a tearjerker. Chic’s story changed my life with how I live and love my parents, savoring each and every second per drop! (Hyperbole? Yeah Right!) Books with light stories about college girls flirting outrageously, going bananas for the flamb dress also goes into my criteria of a good buddy when I am down. Books will always have the power to bring me somewhere where the main character always win and the sneaky villain always lose. tatata. —,

Auto- Delete

One of the reasons why people get so sentimental is because memories are the only things that don't change. When everything else in our life alters, we hang on to things that makes us happy and sad both at the same time. It's been two months since we broke up, since he said "I love you", since he made me feel the happiest girl on earth alive. Sometimes, we wonder what future awaits, no matter how much we fight for something, there will be things in our life that are not meant to stay. How I wish there will be an auto- delete in our memory that we can press in such a way to alleviate the pain of loss. Most of the time, destiny becomes so playful and wicked that we cannot question God for all the unbearable things that comes our way. But why is love so painful and full of trials? I never intended to love this much, I never planned to share this amount to someone else.

If ever he will come across reading this one day, I want him to know that I gave the best part of me to him. That no matter how much time will pass, no one can ever replace what we've shared and what I shared to him. I know that before, I also wronged him when I dropped him for another guy when I was about to enter first year college. But I learned my lesson the hard way. I would like to apologize for all the pain I caused you. For the days I was so unbearable, but you knew for sure that no matter how much I feel so used up, I never left your side.

People sometimes become so stupid by reminiscing even more the good old times. As for me, I usually do the same. I was trying to recall the first "beach vacation" we had in Zambales. It was summer 2003, we were merely "saling pusa" of my older sister. Late in the afternoon, we experienced one of the most magical things that seem to happen only in the movies. We were by the seashore building a sand castle while watching the sun set. It was one of the most unforgettable moments I shared with him and I am thinking when will it ever happen again or the worst question is, will it ever happen again?

I miss him. Every single thing and I miss the person I am when I am with him.

DREAM

So yesterday I was not able to go to work since I am in a pathetic case of to die for headache, runny nose, extreme palpitation and flu. It's a good thing that I am still alive. Kidding. That is just to open this entry on a softer side. Anyway, I savored the whole day yesterday with rest and quality time with family. I was a bit fine during the afternoon so when my sister persuaded the gang to hit the mall for a super sale, it was too irresistible. Though I was still a bit nauseous, I went for it. Most of the time when in the mall I spent it on a bookshop, scouting for the must-buy book and ended up with the hilarious work of Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shop-a-holic. Anyway, we arrived home at around 11:30 pm. I was sleepy and exhausted. I just prayed for 4th day Novena and dozed off. It was a sound sleep, for in the back of my mind, I know that it's a weekend tomorrow. No need to shut the annoying alarm clock at 4:15 am. No need to hurry my feet off for the fear of being late. I knew in my mind that I had an awesome sleep. In the middle of it, I saw myself in the pavement of an old solitary barrio. I was walking awkwardly as people pass me by. Then the next scene was something I barely remember. Next stop was that I am with him. I don't exactly remember the story but I just remembered that vital part of my dream. I was with him and he was with me. PERIOD. When I roused from the sleep, I can almost hear the beating of my heart. Good thing it was a cold night and I am not all sweaty and perspiring. Anyhow, I checked my phone for the time, 2:34 am. My grogginess wafted away just like the Christmas breeze in the imminent window to my headboard. It was so quiet. I thought about of thinking about him. I wondered what was he doing. If he was sleeping too? I remembered the endless times I watched him sleep. How I looked closely to every details of his face. How I feel like I am in nirvana knowing that he is safe. I miss doing those things. How I normally kiss his forehead and him smiling like an idiot, whose half awake after all.

Its going to be a heavy day for me.

So peaceful and silent, I see an angel sleeping the night away, sleeping the night away. I've made mistakes before and I will not do it again.. But I'll ask you just one question: "Can I lean on your shoulder?"

it's Déjà vu all over again

i was busy checking the projects of my students when two freshmen girls approached me and gave me 4 pieces of red roses. I raised my eyebrow in confusion and asked what is it for. They sweetly smiled and said, "nothing miss, just for you". Speaking of random acts of sweetness, I was moved my their actions. Late that afternoon, when I was clearing my work desk in the faculty room, I came across the four roses again and happily placed it on a vase, pushed it across the window side so that it will have fresh air. In the middle of doing a paperwork, I shrugged and my eyes rested on the roses once again. Dumbly, I picked up a piece and just stared at it for a few seconds. I was trying to find out what was so extraordinary about it. You know, the feeling of nostalgia and deja vu is trying to tell me something. I know there was something memorable about red roses but I just can't seem to figure it out. I wanna kick myself for poor memory cause I am usually a "I remember everything" person. I tried to relinquish things, to the first flower he gave me.. definitely not. Those were White Roses down to the Stargazers and even to the Yellow Bell, he naughtily picked up opposite the school gate and gave it to me sheepishly. "Red roses, red roses.. especially, a piece of red rose.." I was caught off guard when my colleague slapped me at the back and said goodbye. Ha! Then I was back to my rerun again.. The bell rang for 5:45 warning and I was forced to return the rose on the vase. I shrugged and just said to myself that maybe, I was so tired for the day and hopefully, when I go home, I'll be able to remember. I completely forgot about the whole thing when I arrived home. I went to bed, said my prayers and went to sleep.

The following day, I was free for the first period. Again, I saw the red rose. I was listening to my Ipod when the Bonus Track from The Ambassadors played in my ears and just like a light bulb that flashed instantly in my cerebrum, I remembered. Funny how I forgot all about it. How timely for it to happen. How timely for me to remember. Now I know the significance of a piece of red rose. I just transferred to his school for the second semester in the year 2006. We had a fight over something or someone and I was really mad and hurt. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was in the middle of explaining when I needed to leave cause I have a 5-8 pm class, Computer I think. Around 8 pm when we were dismissed, I saw him still waiting by the door. He said sorry for the nth time, but maybe I was so alienated from him already that I don't want to make amends any longer. When I was walking away from him, heading for the nearest middle staircase, he caught up with me and handed me a single piece of red rose uttering so soberly the words.. "I am sorry"........... :c

Up to this moment, I still keep that rose with no intention of throwing it away even if it's already wilted, with all the petals fallen off....

the yellowbook

When I was a child, my biggest problem was how to convince my parents on buying me the Barbie doll house I used to see in the mall. It was really huge, with eight rooms and a wardrobe for my dolls to enjoy. Every night before I go to sleep, I thank God for all the blessings and utter in the end, "Jesus, sige na po, sana po ibili po nila sakin yun." But it never happened, but instead, they gave me a Polly Pocket. So much for its name, its a Polly POCKET, Pocket sized thing, never the same with my dream doll house. I learned to outgrew it until one day, I realized that I should keep my toys to give way for my fast growing population of books, make ups and magazines. How I wish adult life will be as easy as that. Then, I simply ask my father to give me a big box where I can store my toys, put it aside and voila! That was it. But dilemmas with growing up can't just be stored anywhere for all of it is stored in the heart and mind. So many times, I use to discuss with my friends about my wish that life will be as easy as this one, like when you wake up each morning, it's really a fresh start, in such a way that we can flush all the bad memories of yesterday and start anew, but I certainly know it's not possible.

Last night before I went to sleep, I was busy arranging my clothes that was pressed the day before. I was so anxious to clean it up since it is already giving me an uneasy feeling whenever I open it and the welcoming committee of disorganized clothes greet me. I was in the middle of piling my vintage shirts when something heavy fell on my toe and I was on the verge of saying bad words up until I saw it. I stood frozen for a while then finally had the nerve to pick it up. It was a book, still wrapped in an orange plastic bag. I held it out to see, it is color yellow with an eye- catching title, "The Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days". I almost forgot about that book. I opened it and saw a receipt on the first page and even a piece of popcorn which I assume to be Kettle Korn's. I continued scanning it when another receipt greeted me, it was of Wendy's and the first thing I saw was "BACONATOR". Suddenly, without any control of myself, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I cursed myself for making the decision of cleaning up my closet that night, I told myself that I should have let it stayed that way: dirty, disorganized and in chaos. Suddenly, I felt like throwing myself into another person's shoulder so that I could cry my heart out, but no one's available. My parents were in the living room, watching a film and they would probably sermon me for crying while my sister was in her room with her husband.

I felt like a small piece of dried leaf in a pond, being swayed and tossed by the mildest blow of wind. Sometimes, when I try to think things over, how can it be that 8 years seemed like a very short time?