Auto- Delete

One of the reasons why people get so sentimental is because memories are the only things that don't change. When everything else in our life alters, we hang on to things that makes us happy and sad both at the same time. It's been two months since we broke up, since he said "I love you", since he made me feel the happiest girl on earth alive. Sometimes, we wonder what future awaits, no matter how much we fight for something, there will be things in our life that are not meant to stay. How I wish there will be an auto- delete in our memory that we can press in such a way to alleviate the pain of loss. Most of the time, destiny becomes so playful and wicked that we cannot question God for all the unbearable things that comes our way. But why is love so painful and full of trials? I never intended to love this much, I never planned to share this amount to someone else.

If ever he will come across reading this one day, I want him to know that I gave the best part of me to him. That no matter how much time will pass, no one can ever replace what we've shared and what I shared to him. I know that before, I also wronged him when I dropped him for another guy when I was about to enter first year college. But I learned my lesson the hard way. I would like to apologize for all the pain I caused you. For the days I was so unbearable, but you knew for sure that no matter how much I feel so used up, I never left your side.

People sometimes become so stupid by reminiscing even more the good old times. As for me, I usually do the same. I was trying to recall the first "beach vacation" we had in Zambales. It was summer 2003, we were merely "saling pusa" of my older sister. Late in the afternoon, we experienced one of the most magical things that seem to happen only in the movies. We were by the seashore building a sand castle while watching the sun set. It was one of the most unforgettable moments I shared with him and I am thinking when will it ever happen again or the worst question is, will it ever happen again?

I miss him. Every single thing and I miss the person I am when I am with him.

DREAM

So yesterday I was not able to go to work since I am in a pathetic case of to die for headache, runny nose, extreme palpitation and flu. It's a good thing that I am still alive. Kidding. That is just to open this entry on a softer side. Anyway, I savored the whole day yesterday with rest and quality time with family. I was a bit fine during the afternoon so when my sister persuaded the gang to hit the mall for a super sale, it was too irresistible. Though I was still a bit nauseous, I went for it. Most of the time when in the mall I spent it on a bookshop, scouting for the must-buy book and ended up with the hilarious work of Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shop-a-holic. Anyway, we arrived home at around 11:30 pm. I was sleepy and exhausted. I just prayed for 4th day Novena and dozed off. It was a sound sleep, for in the back of my mind, I know that it's a weekend tomorrow. No need to shut the annoying alarm clock at 4:15 am. No need to hurry my feet off for the fear of being late. I knew in my mind that I had an awesome sleep. In the middle of it, I saw myself in the pavement of an old solitary barrio. I was walking awkwardly as people pass me by. Then the next scene was something I barely remember. Next stop was that I am with him. I don't exactly remember the story but I just remembered that vital part of my dream. I was with him and he was with me. PERIOD. When I roused from the sleep, I can almost hear the beating of my heart. Good thing it was a cold night and I am not all sweaty and perspiring. Anyhow, I checked my phone for the time, 2:34 am. My grogginess wafted away just like the Christmas breeze in the imminent window to my headboard. It was so quiet. I thought about of thinking about him. I wondered what was he doing. If he was sleeping too? I remembered the endless times I watched him sleep. How I looked closely to every details of his face. How I feel like I am in nirvana knowing that he is safe. I miss doing those things. How I normally kiss his forehead and him smiling like an idiot, whose half awake after all.

Its going to be a heavy day for me.

So peaceful and silent, I see an angel sleeping the night away, sleeping the night away. I've made mistakes before and I will not do it again.. But I'll ask you just one question: "Can I lean on your shoulder?"

it's Déjà vu all over again

i was busy checking the projects of my students when two freshmen girls approached me and gave me 4 pieces of red roses. I raised my eyebrow in confusion and asked what is it for. They sweetly smiled and said, "nothing miss, just for you". Speaking of random acts of sweetness, I was moved my their actions. Late that afternoon, when I was clearing my work desk in the faculty room, I came across the four roses again and happily placed it on a vase, pushed it across the window side so that it will have fresh air. In the middle of doing a paperwork, I shrugged and my eyes rested on the roses once again. Dumbly, I picked up a piece and just stared at it for a few seconds. I was trying to find out what was so extraordinary about it. You know, the feeling of nostalgia and deja vu is trying to tell me something. I know there was something memorable about red roses but I just can't seem to figure it out. I wanna kick myself for poor memory cause I am usually a "I remember everything" person. I tried to relinquish things, to the first flower he gave me.. definitely not. Those were White Roses down to the Stargazers and even to the Yellow Bell, he naughtily picked up opposite the school gate and gave it to me sheepishly. "Red roses, red roses.. especially, a piece of red rose.." I was caught off guard when my colleague slapped me at the back and said goodbye. Ha! Then I was back to my rerun again.. The bell rang for 5:45 warning and I was forced to return the rose on the vase. I shrugged and just said to myself that maybe, I was so tired for the day and hopefully, when I go home, I'll be able to remember. I completely forgot about the whole thing when I arrived home. I went to bed, said my prayers and went to sleep.

The following day, I was free for the first period. Again, I saw the red rose. I was listening to my Ipod when the Bonus Track from The Ambassadors played in my ears and just like a light bulb that flashed instantly in my cerebrum, I remembered. Funny how I forgot all about it. How timely for it to happen. How timely for me to remember. Now I know the significance of a piece of red rose. I just transferred to his school for the second semester in the year 2006. We had a fight over something or someone and I was really mad and hurt. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was in the middle of explaining when I needed to leave cause I have a 5-8 pm class, Computer I think. Around 8 pm when we were dismissed, I saw him still waiting by the door. He said sorry for the nth time, but maybe I was so alienated from him already that I don't want to make amends any longer. When I was walking away from him, heading for the nearest middle staircase, he caught up with me and handed me a single piece of red rose uttering so soberly the words.. "I am sorry"........... :c

Up to this moment, I still keep that rose with no intention of throwing it away even if it's already wilted, with all the petals fallen off....

the yellowbook

When I was a child, my biggest problem was how to convince my parents on buying me the Barbie doll house I used to see in the mall. It was really huge, with eight rooms and a wardrobe for my dolls to enjoy. Every night before I go to sleep, I thank God for all the blessings and utter in the end, "Jesus, sige na po, sana po ibili po nila sakin yun." But it never happened, but instead, they gave me a Polly Pocket. So much for its name, its a Polly POCKET, Pocket sized thing, never the same with my dream doll house. I learned to outgrew it until one day, I realized that I should keep my toys to give way for my fast growing population of books, make ups and magazines. How I wish adult life will be as easy as that. Then, I simply ask my father to give me a big box where I can store my toys, put it aside and voila! That was it. But dilemmas with growing up can't just be stored anywhere for all of it is stored in the heart and mind. So many times, I use to discuss with my friends about my wish that life will be as easy as this one, like when you wake up each morning, it's really a fresh start, in such a way that we can flush all the bad memories of yesterday and start anew, but I certainly know it's not possible.

Last night before I went to sleep, I was busy arranging my clothes that was pressed the day before. I was so anxious to clean it up since it is already giving me an uneasy feeling whenever I open it and the welcoming committee of disorganized clothes greet me. I was in the middle of piling my vintage shirts when something heavy fell on my toe and I was on the verge of saying bad words up until I saw it. I stood frozen for a while then finally had the nerve to pick it up. It was a book, still wrapped in an orange plastic bag. I held it out to see, it is color yellow with an eye- catching title, "The Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days". I almost forgot about that book. I opened it and saw a receipt on the first page and even a piece of popcorn which I assume to be Kettle Korn's. I continued scanning it when another receipt greeted me, it was of Wendy's and the first thing I saw was "BACONATOR". Suddenly, without any control of myself, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. I cursed myself for making the decision of cleaning up my closet that night, I told myself that I should have let it stayed that way: dirty, disorganized and in chaos. Suddenly, I felt like throwing myself into another person's shoulder so that I could cry my heart out, but no one's available. My parents were in the living room, watching a film and they would probably sermon me for crying while my sister was in her room with her husband.

I felt like a small piece of dried leaf in a pond, being swayed and tossed by the mildest blow of wind. Sometimes, when I try to think things over, how can it be that 8 years seemed like a very short time?

the hardest thing

These words marked my heart and my soul-- "Nagbago ka kasi." I was dumbfounded and taken aback by the words I heard. Sometimes no matter how hard I recollect the things on my mind and create a vivid explanation and analysis of what he just said, I cannot.

Sometimes words aren't enough to say how a person feels. Sometimes tears aren't enough to express pain and grief. I just keep on recapitulating on my mind the adage that people usually say, "hindi lahat ibibigay sayo ni God", but I just contradicted and silently said to myself, "pero bakit lahat kinukuha Nya?". I once read in a book saying, that during times of sorrow, God understands that we question and sometimes even reach a point when we doubt His existence. He understands that side of our humanity. When hope is bleak and the future seems so clouded, we retract our faith because we think He is responsible for every single thing happening to us.

One night when I was lying in my bed, a bit tired from work and exhausted of loneliness. I talked to God literally uttering words as if He is just in front of me. I told Him that I am feeling so weak and hopeless. I feel tired and used up. I feel burdened and unenthusiastic about life. I know that all our days are numbered and planned even before we are born and if given the chance, I want to see how will my life turn out in the end. I wanted to see if this is all worth it. If the person I am hanging into is still worth all the pain and tears. I know that it is close to impossible to see the book of my life but hopefully in the end, he will still be my soulmate and my husband in the future.

I miss him. No, not him. I miss us and I am counting the days when I will see that gay couple again arguing nonstop but still loving each other in the end. I miss the couple who brought out the best in me, who taught me how to be positive about life. I will always miss the bestfriend I had in him. How he critics my clothes and pulls up my sleeves so that my shirt will look better. How we plan the weekend bonding we'll have.

Let me borrow these words from Nicholas Sparks' novel, The Notebook.

(Noah's farewell letter to Allie)

My Dearest Allie,

I couldn't sleep last night cause I know that it's over between us. I am not bitter anymore cause I know that what we had was real and in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best kind of love is the kind that awakens our soul and makes us reach for more and plants a fire in our heart and brings peace to our mind. That's what you've given me, that's what I hope to give to you forever......