Holiday Cheers No More

It's January1, the first day of the year. I am quite relieved that the holidays are over because things will be a lot normal to me and to other people. Unlike during Christmas and New Year, everyone is supposed to act merrily and happy, it so sad how I did not enjoy Christmas and New Year like the previous years. Sometimes, I think over the night before going to sleep why am I suffering this much. It's a public knowledge that I had Ameloblastoma-- Cancer of the Mandible when I was 18 turning 19. Because of that, I had to leave school, leave my course and transfer altogether. My ambition of being a doctor became so blurry and now I am taking a course I am not that in to. Although the cyst in my mandible never became malignant, it was still a big headache for it recurred a lot of times. Those surgeries left scars which are inevitable. My confidence and self- esteem were clearly affected. Its annoying how people look at me as if I am very different. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if he changed because of that. Sometimes I ask him if he will ever change becuase of what happened to me, he will just get angry and say, "hindi agos. taas nga ng tingin ko sayo mula nung nagkasakit ka." How I wish those words never changed. Now that he left me, I guess these things which happened to me contributed at the least.
Last night, New Years Eve, he wouldn't have greeted me up until I texted him. It made me sad that I am to start the year without him. At the same night, I was talking to my father over the computer, wishing to greet him a Happy New Year though he is so far away. I told my dad everything we did to celebrate the New Year, lighting sparklers, fountains and the like. Then my father dropped the bomb, "O anak, hindi ba nagpunta jan si ____" I felt a tight lump form in my throat, I tried to speak normally but the lump became tighter and tears sprang out of my cheeks. My dad thought that I was crying because it was another New Year without him. Yes, of course, I miss my father and New Year would have been a lot cheerful if he's around. But the main reason for my tears was him. How my dad thought we were still together and how I can't accept the fact that things suddenly changed...
I was reminiscin the New Year 2008, I've read his comment greeting me, he said, "O bebe, Happy New Year! Tama na ung mga break ups natin ha? Walang iwanan..." Those were the words which marked my mind and heart.. Feeling heavy this morning, I wan to cry to the maximum but I don't want to be so lonely, so I'd rather remember him.. The things we had wondering if it will ever happen again.... :(

FIRST DAY OF LONELINESS

first day after the break up. i woke up feeling okay but empty. looking at my phone, i saw 7 messages, hoping one might come from him, being cheerful greeting me, “good morning bebe koi, maya punta ko jan ha? iloveyou pui.” but none. most messages came from my close friends trying to console me and giving me tips on how to move on. the messages were all so inspirational but none seems to really comfort my lonely heart. i know that. definitely. yes, there are times when friends of mine text me for some advice due to boyfriend problems or other stuffs which broke their hearts. i try to give the best comforting words even if i know that it will not be of great help. no help at all. friends say things for the best motives, to help and to make sure one is alright after a great shock of sadness. yet i know, after the text messages, after all the phone calls and after all the e-mails and other net messages, im still back to zero. back to myself, solely handling the problem. that is my dilemma. i’ll wake up everyday, feeling the weight of the world heavy at my back. what is that particular weight? its not the break up itself, but the fact that for 6 years, i have accumulated a lot of memories with him. and my routine? oh my. that’s the next bad thing. he has become a part of me, my waking up and falling asleep. he has been a part already, a big part. so what am i to do now, now that im not quite sure what i will do the next time loneliness hit by bones and eyes. am i gonna cry again? of course. i feel a great sense of relief when i’ve cried my heart out. but after that? i will feel all so numb and still, i’ll remember him. the way he hugs me and tells me that i will be the woman he will grow old with till all our hairs are already grayish white, till there’s no more teeth in our mouth. till the days of weakness and up to the time we die. how am i supposed to start all over? how am supposed to wash away my memory when we were young? fighting for the silliest reasons, sneaking out for the chance of kiddy frantic dates, how we pretend not to know each other while riding the jeepney, for the fear that someone might see us together, the way we talk about how many kids we want to have, funny we already have names for the children we’ll have in the future..how we wish to have our wedding, how we wholly look forward to spending most of the time in the future. how we wish to design our house. how he pinches my cheecks telling me im the cutest thing alive. and mostly, the way he tells me, “iloveyou and mahal na mahal kita..” how he gives the sweetest promises, the words that we will never break apart. that no one will come between us. that he hates himself seeing me sad most especially when he caused it. im gonna go deaf hearing all the love songs we favorited, how we sang out of tune, how we say mushy things to each other thinking its corny but sweet after all. how i hold his sweaty palms.. all those things.. the different way we talk.. oh we talk like babies.. how we sleep, always hugging each other.. he even told me once.. “haha, nakakatawa tayo be, pag natutulog kailangan magkayap ng mahigpit, para bang mawawala ng mawawala..” how do you explain how that love suddenly went bad, its a shame we broke apart. how that person i seem to say everything suddenly gone cold.. why does he need to give me the best memories in my heart when he will just walk away just like that.. i’ll miss us. all the things we used to do, eating a bunch, laughing to funny antics, pinching noses, smelling his hair, him smelling mine. the way he makes me freak out when he pretends to be insane inside the tricycle, making me look pathetic, but after that, he’ll wrap around his arms to me.. how long will it take me to forget, to move on and be happy again. truly and honestly happy. this afternoon, my sister was scanning my laptop when she saw the photo of the tarp he gave me on my 21st birthday, suddenly, i remembered everything again. all the pictures.. my sister told me.. “ang dami nyo palang picture na magkasama” yeah right, there were really so many pictures, all of it with little stories behind it. my sister asked me to let her see the tarpaulin itself, and then there it goes. that was the time i cried and felt all the pain again.. i hope i’ll be over this feeling soon..